It’s New Year’s Eve. It’s out with the old, and in with the new. It’s a time of reflection and looking forward. It’s a time for making those silly resolutions that I know I probably won’t keep. My favorite resolution is to not only lose those holiday pounds, but a few more, as well. It must be my favorite, because I resolve to do it every year.
As an adult, I’ve always had an internal goal in mind, for my weight; an indexed number relative to my age. Ideally, my desired weight should decrease as my age increases. Cutting the holiday weight usually works out. It’s those extra pounds to reach my internal goal where I tend to fail my resolutions. It seems that I may have a dieting discipline deficit.
Recently, I decided that this coming year would be different, and I would even consider enlisting the help of some commercially available miracle diet aid to push me toward my goal. My  research, however, revealed something very dark and sinister. It seems that no matter which system I looked at, there was always some fine print that read, “effective when combined with sensible diet and regular exercise”. What a disturbing development that was.
Here’s my dilemma. If I had the self-control and discipline to eat sensibly and exercise regularly, I probably wouldn’t need the magic pills, gum, throat spray or tea. Conversely, if I don’t have the necessary self-control and discipline to eat sensibly and exercise regularly, what makes me think I would have the self-control and discipline to use the magic pills, gum, throat spray or tea as directed?
After becoming understandably disenchanted, I decided that I should design some of my own systems, loosely based on the paradigms of the miracle diets, of course. If I must eat sensibly and exercise regularly, anyway, I wanted to design systems that appealed to me.  
So, design I did. I’ve resolved to employ one of the following systems for 2009. These programs are ideal because they are centered around the worst of my vices. Feel free to try one of these yourself:
• The Dunkin Diet – This system calls for eating one donut per day, but no more than one. It’s entirely possible that this might be effective, when combined with an otherwise sensible diet and regular exercise. Allowed exchange values would include one cookie, one cupcake or one Twinkie.   
• The Whopper Diet – Two all beef patties are the centerpiece of this diet, along with some necessary condiments, toppings and a sesame seed bun. All the basic food groups are wrapped into one delicious diet aid. More than one per day is not recommended, however. When combined with an otherwise sensible diet and regular exercise, it might just be crazy enough to work. Would you like fries with that? OK, but additional exercise will be required.
• The Pepperoni Diet – Take one or two slices of pizza, orally as needed to curb hunger. Repeat only with moderation, and use in conjunction with a vigorous exercise regimen...and lots of salad. It’s not recommended to combine these three programs, as some efficacy is lost.
• The Sub Diet – Under this plan, you eat a sub sandwich twice daily, and exercise regularly. Actually, to be totally honest, I can’t take credit for this plan. It’s already been done and with great results. It became an advertising sensation and the subject of the ad campaign lost over 200 pounds. (What the commercials failed to spell out clearly is the guy walked everywhere he went. We were supposed to believe that the sandwiches were solely responsible for the weight loss.)
So certain am I of the effectiveness of my new plans, that I will make this offer to any national chain. For a small endorsement fee, say low-to-medium seven figures, I will eat at your establishment daily, I will allow television cameras to record my progress, I will walk everywhere I go and I will lose weight. I will become your Jared.  
You’re wondering, of course, about that small matter of my aforementioned dieting discipline deficit. Remember, though, I would become a compensated spokesperson; a professional. Could a seven figure paycheck really instill the necessary self control and discipline? I’m certainly willing to give it a try.