Let's file this under stories I'd like to write.



 

Let's file this under stories I'd like to write.

*** WASHINGTON - Today the entire United States House of Representatives and Senate resigned en masse after realizing just how useless they are. In a rare, and final, show of bipartisan unity, Speaker of the House John Boehner, joined by House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid and Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, issued the following joint statement: "For years, we're been stuck in the delusion that we can solve the nation's problems. Lately, however, it's occurred to us that we are, collectively, the cause of this nation's woes. We've failed horribly and we humbly beg your forgiveness." Boehner, no stranger to strong emotion, fell to his knees with tears streaming down his face. In between his choking, sorrowful sobs, he said he planned on embarking on his journey of atonement by spending the rest of his life in a minimum wage service industry position. "I don't even deserve that," cried Boehner, before collapsing in an exhausted heap on the ground. Reid did not make any comments during the event. However, many noted that he softly repeated to himself over and over, "My God, what have I done?" Sources report McConnell, who seemed in a stupor, had to be sedated prior to the conference and his collection of Japanese swords confiscated for his own protection. Pelosi said that she didn't really know what was next for the now unemployed 535 members of Congress, although she hoped that they wouldn't engage in the kind of mass ritualistic suicides that have recently plagued the Republican and Democratic National Committees, along with several law and lobbying firms on K Street. "Enough people had their lives ruined because of our mistakes," Pelosi said. "If there's going to be any blood atonement, it should be from us. As for me, I will be donning a hairshirt and hiking up to the Sierra Madre Mountains to live as a hermit in repentance" President Obama had no immediate reaction to the sudden loss of one third of the government. However, White House aides remarked privately that it was probably for the best, adding the president could use a vacation after his one-man assault on Osama Bin Laden's compound. "Holding a Bowie Knife between your teeth while firing M-60 machine guns from both hands and slaughtering all who oppose you can be a little tiring," one aide said on condition of anonymity. "The man deserves a break." Reaction from across the nation was mixed to this radical shift in government. "Well, don't we need a Congress?" asked New Jersey homemaker Jean Quigley. "Who are we going to blame everything on when things go wrong? I don't know if America is ready to shoulder that kind of responsibility again." Others saw this as a chance to use all the energy they used to spend on politics to get in touch with other interests. "I always liked football, so I'm looking forward to referring to San Francisco 49ers fans as socialist, homosexual thugs who desire the destruction of America," said North Carolina Tea Party Activist Sheldon Conor, adding "GO PANTHERS!" The impact could be especially devastating for cable television pundits. After the announcement,  MSNBC personality Rachel Maddow stared blankly into a camera for her hour-long program, occasionally mumbling, "Cold. So cold..." Right-wing personalities like Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity briefly celebrated the demise of big government before realizing they were out of a job. Hannity and Limbaugh are now reportedly in negotiations with World Wrestling Entertainment to form a tag-team. Glenn Beck could not be reached for comment, as he has astrally projected himself to a universe entirely populated by gay Nazi communists with the goal of leading a resistance movement. Experts agree that Congress will eventually reform. However, citizens will have to get used to the concept of voting for an individual rather than a party, as one of the last acts of the previous Congress was the perpetual abolition of partisan organizations from American political life. "Americans simply can't vote for their political leadership like they would for American Idol," said zombie former President Abraham Lincoln (oh, like this is the point where you can no longer suspend disbelief), who rose from the dead to see this historic event for himself. "We need to be smarter than this." Until then, the United State Capitol will stand empty - a monument to hubris which will soon, hopefully, be populated by better, more reasonable people. *** Meanwhile, in the stories I actually have to write, The U.S. Senate on Wednesday voted to extend massive tax breaks totaling $21 billion over the next decade to oil companies that are enjoying record profits and charging more than $4 per gallon for gas. On the other side of the building, the House of Representatives is debating whether or not defaulting on the national debt would be a good thing. And somewhere in our nation's capitol, the band plays on.