"Hi, is Tracy there?" said a male voice on the other end of the phone.
"This is Tracy," I responded.
Male voice: "Hi, Tracy. This is Father Time. I just wanted to check in and see if you were ready for the Baby New Year."
Me: "What? No! I'm done having babies!"
F.T.: "Well, this one is coming whether you want it or not."
Me: "Oh, just like wrinkles and gray hair, huh?"
F.T.: "Pretty much."
F.T.: "So, are you thinking about making any resolutions this year?"
Me: "Absolutely. I'm going to eat better, go to the gym more, and lose 10 pounds."
F.T.: "Weren't those your resolutions last year?"
Me: "Yeah. But I need a do-over."
Me: "Can you help me with that?"
F.T.: "Not really. As Father Time, I tend to make people gain weight as they get older."
Me: "Not very supportive of you, bro."
F.T.: "Sorry. However, I do make you wiser!"
Me: "Big whoop. That's what the Internet is for."
F.T.: "Getting older isn't so bad. With age you gain perspective, insight, clarity..."
Me: "... And 10 pounds."
F.T.: "Yeah, there's that, too. But the good news is, your eyesight starts to go, so you can't see how fat you're getting!"
F.T.: "Also, you know how your kids think you're really uncool?"
F.T.: "In a few years they'll start to think you're cool again."
Me: "Is that before or after they come back to live with me when they graduate college?"
Me: "That's what I figured."
F.T.: "So, is there anything else I can do for you next year?"
Me: "I was hoping for some new chin hairs."
F.T.: "I can definitely help you with that!"
Me: "And I wouldn't mind an early spring."
F.T.: "Sorry, you'll have to take that one up with Mother Nature."
— Tracy's new book, "Lost in Suburbia: A Momoir. How I Got Pregnant, Lost Myself, and Got My Cool Back in the New Jersey Suburbs" is now available for PRE-ORDER!