A conversation with Father Time

"Hi, is Tracy there?" said a male voice on the other end of the phone.

"This is Tracy," I responded.

Male voice: "Hi, Tracy. This is Father Time. I just wanted to check in and see if you were ready for the Baby New Year."

Me: "What? No! I'm done having babies!"

F.T.: "Well, this one is coming whether you want it or not."

Me: "Oh, just like wrinkles and gray hair, huh?"

F.T.: "Pretty much."

Me: "Super."

F.T.: "So, are you thinking about making any resolutions this year?"

Me: "Absolutely. I'm going to eat better, go to the gym more, and lose 10 pounds."

F.T.: "Weren't those your resolutions last year?"

Me: "Yeah. But I need a do-over."

F.T.: "Gotcha."

Me: "Can you help me with that?"

F.T.: "Not really. As Father Time, I tend to make people gain weight as they get older."

Me: "Not very supportive of you, bro."

F.T.: "Sorry. However, I do make you wiser!"

Me: "Big whoop. That's what the Internet is for."

F.T.: "Getting older isn't so bad. With age you gain perspective, insight, clarity..."

Me: "... And 10 pounds."

F.T.: "Yeah, there's that, too. But the good news is, your eyesight starts to go, so you can't see how fat you're getting!"

Me: "Fantastic."

F.T.: "Also, you know how your kids think you're really uncool?"

Me: "Yeah?"

F.T.: "In a few years they'll start to think you're cool again."

Me: "Is that before or after they come back to live with me when they graduate college?"

F.T.: "After."

Me: "That's what I figured."

F.T.: "So, is there anything else I can do for you next year?"

Me: "I was hoping for some new chin hairs."

F.T.: "I can definitely help you with that!"

Me: "And I wouldn't mind an early spring."

F.T.: "Sorry, you'll have to take that one up with Mother Nature."

— Tracy's new book, "Lost in Suburbia: A Momoir. How I Got Pregnant, Lost Myself, and Got My Cool Back in the New Jersey Suburbs" is now available for PRE-ORDER!