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by Garon Cockrell
Twilight: Lowlights and a Farewell to Jacob
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By Garon Cockrell
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Oct. 6, 2013 5:25 a.m.

by Kari Tervo
I finally finished watching the Twilight saga. In honor of the great experience I had with the movies, I'm going to post some feedback about stuff I didn't like, and then bring you back up to a soaring farewell with triumphant music, a montage, and some fuzzy focus romance.
I'm referring to this criticism as "lowlights," which I think is a great time to declare that I'm glad that stupid ombre hair trend is over. Girl, you're gonna regret that in 15 years like Jennifer Aniston regrets the Rachel. I do admit, I did have some Rachel-y color banding in the late '90s, but I thought it was cool. My head looked like a sunset, or cinnamon toast.
What? What am I talking about? Twilight. Okay.
I shared a collection of fun thoughts about the first 4 movies, here. And I started talking about how I think some feminists have it all wrong about Twilight, here. All in all, I've been pretty happy with the series--it has made me laugh, cry, cringe, feel suspense, wonder, and do all those things movies are supposed to do! In short, I've been wonderfully entertained by this series.
Yet, I didn't enjoy Breaking Dawn, Part II as much as I did the first four films in the series. Here's why:
First, I guess for me I became less interested when it became all-supernatural. I was more interested in the interactions between the human and magical worlds. Kind of like when I was 8 and thought I might find gnome communities in the knots of the backyard tree trunks. I wanted to know their ways, like a magical anthropology. I liked watching the first four movies that way, as Bella's human eyes on the magical world. So, when Bella goes undead, it all became a sci-fi/fantasy movie for me. There's nothing wrong with that, but that's not my scene. So maybe I was a little more critical of this movie because it was kind of a genre-switch.
With that in mind, here are some brief beefs:
  • I misunderstood the ending of the last movie, when Jacob imprints on Renesemee. I had thought he refrained from killing her because he saw Bella in her soul. It never even occurred to me he was imprinting on a baby. Ick. Okay, so anyway.
  • The spates of weak dialogue throughout the series always kind of bothered me, but I was able to overlook it. I viewed some of it as required to communicate complex concepts in simple ways. But I kind of had it by this point: The Volturi are about to kill Cousin Irina, who had just really heroically admitted she was wrong about Renesmee and the whole show-down she caused there in that snowy field (such great cinematography when they initially meet up!). I mean, the Cullens forgave her, but the Volturi weren't going to, so this is a pretty dramatic moment. They go for the kill, and this is what Edward shouts:
  • Guys, no!
    And that's all I have to say about that.
  • This is the exception that proves what I said about complex concepts: When Aro, the main Volturi guy, is explaining why Renesmee must be destroyed, this is his logic: "There is human technology that could destroy us!" And then we move on, like, oh, oh, yes, yes, I understand now. What? What human technology? How is the humpire (human-vampire. Well, it's better than vamman!) a bigger threat than all those damn newborns up in Santa Carla? I mean, Seattle?
  • Why are the only black vampires (besides Laurent, an evil one) both Amazon women in face paint? Please.
  • In the climactic (imagined) battle scene, the head Volturi guy (Aro) and a bunch of other Volturi are just standing there giving reaction shots, like they're watching Wimbledon. Why aren't they doing something?
  • Aro, the head of the Volturi? He's supposed to scare us, but he's comically evil, like the Child Catcher in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang (I acknowledge to the 8-year-old community that the Child Catcher is freaking scary). Okay, I’m not afraid of this guy at all. I will take him on in a mere battle of sarcasm, and he’ll do that crumbling-like-a-china-doll effect they’ve been using to indicate a dead vampire (I much prefer that to gore, so thank you Twilight people).
  • Child Catcher.
    Aro (also a Child Catcher). I could take this guy.
    I guess I didn't enjoy Breaking Dawn, Part II as much as the other movies. But overall, the series was great. Pull out your tissues, we're about to say goodbye to our protagonists:
    AWWWWWWWWWWWW! AWWWWWWWWWW! I am so in love with this love! It’s literally forever! OMG it’s so much better than that stupid diamond ring!
    I hate that stupid diamond ring! I hate that stupid field of flowers they’re constantly laying in! I hate those cheesy lovers’ gazes!
    But I love Bella and Edward. Those crazy kids have been through a lot, and they’re still together. I think they’re gonna make it.
    I don’t know how I’m gonna make it without Jacob—I am Team Jacob, after all. Figures. I always root for the underdog (no pun intended). I mean, nobody addresses that he’s going to die at some point. That makes me sad. But let’s move on, because he is a fictional character.
    Kari, he is a fictional character. We are going to move on.
    Moving on!
    To what? Where’s the next Twilight, or Harry Potter, or Lord of the Rings? I want a sweeping supernatural saga with great cinematography, dammit! Get Peter Jackson on the horn! I mean, the tweet!
    Ohmigod. I think I just became a fan-girl. Thanks a lot, Twilight.
    I mean, thanks a lot, Twilight! That was fun!

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